I never planned on being a stay at home mom. In fact, the idea very much turned me off. However, I became obsessed with the fact that I was missing out on much of my baby’s life. I started to become very depressed and lost control of my life. I turned to alcohol during this time to try and numb the intense emotions I was feeling, and things got ugly fast.
This is wear the title of this post comes from – for a long time, I felt as if I was wearing two masks. I was one person during the day at work and also with my family. I seemed fairly functional and thought I had everyone convinced that I was fine. The other side of me was dying inside, both figuratively and literally. I was slowly killing myself with how much I drank everyday. Then again, I desperately wanted to be that perfect wife and mother so I faked being “okay” for close to a year before my husband finally confronted me and calmly let me know I needed to get help or else he would leave and take my daughter with him. That was all I needed to hear and at that point, I was just glad that he finally knew. That help was finally on it’s way. That I didn’t have to face this alone anymore.
In the end, with a lot of help from professionals and my family, I started to get my shit together. My husband and I both agreed that it was probably best for me to stay at home with my daughter. We thought that was what would make me the happiest – and it did for quite a while. I no longer had to juggle a stressful job and also run a household and raise a child. Cutting out the job part should have been the answer, right?
What I’m learning is that my anxiety and depression will always be with me. I’ve tried running from it my whole life and am just now realizing, at thirty four years old, that it’s never going to go away.
What I need to do is learn to embrace it and find out what methods for managing it work best for me.
Follow along on my journey! I’ll end this post now as it’s getting quite long but check in as I will continue to share posts of what methods are working for me, updates on my own battle and I would love to share other people’s stories as well! If you are interested in sharing your story here, just email me at email@example.com.
I truly hope that by all of us opening up and sharing our struggles, it will help more and more people feel less alone. Then, maybe it will spread even bigger and start to change the access to care for those who suffer (because right now our system sucks in regards to finding easy access to medical help).
Thank you so much for reading my story. Please don’t hesitate to share yours! I’d be happy to post them anonymously if preferred. I am also hear to talk if you just need to reach out to someone you feel like understands what you are going through.
Love – Your Anxious Friend, Meghan